Hi Steph, this is Steph. It’s 2.10.16 and I know you’re going to need this letter so I thought I would write you it. Feel free to read this over and over whenever you feel the need.
Right now you’re not in a great headspace. You’re frightened you’ll fail. You’re frightened to even try because you don’t want to let anyone down. But you just have to look at all of the support you’re getting and you can see that you’re not letting anyone down. Everyone is so proud. You don’t feel that cause all you see is failure and you’re worried that failure breeds failure. Be kind to yourself. PLEASE. When you’re feeling like this then step back from whatever it is and go do something for yourself. Go read a book (you have a HUGE pile… unless you’ve got through all the ones on the floor), go to the seaside (I know that still has weird feelings attached to it, but I hope by the time you read this they’ll be dealt with), see the Twiglets (because they’re amazing and they’re the best medicine) or just ask someone for a cuddle (you know you love a cuddle, even if it means crying more).
You can’t be everything to everyone at the same time. You can’t be daughter, friend, sister, teacher, teaching assistant, student and person all at the same time. You can’t wear all of the hats at the same time. It’s not possible. You need to remember that you have to be each of those people in their own time. Be a good student when uni needs you, be a good teacher when school beckons. Be a good friend to the people who are good friends to you. Be the best daughter, sister, godmother and person you can be. You can’t be and do everything at the same time. You’ll exhaust yourself.
I know you’re stressed. Maybe you’ve come back to this letter because you’re in the throngs of dissertation and you’re feeling overwhelmed. Or you’re preparing for your SCITT interview, or whatever. Don’t worry – remember you had a melt down only a few days before this letter was written and you’re still plodding on. That’s the trick. Keep plodding. You’re meant for these things. You’re going to struggle, but that’s how you’re going to grow. This, whatever it is you’re going through, is making you worry, think. stress, cry, whatever it’s making you feel its making you feel, is only temporary.
Remember that you’re surrounded by people who think the world of you. Don’t be scared to talk to the people around you. Kate, Gemma, Mam, Susanne, Sarah, Kathryn, the people at work; they will all listen and provide cuddles. You’re lucky to have all of these people. Don’t forget that they’re going to be there. Even if it’s just to cry, or to rant or because you want advice. You’re never alone. Please don’t ever feel alone. I know it sounds easier said than done. And you’ll want to keep yourself to yourself because you don’t want to trouble people. But you’re not troubling them. Include them. They want to be included. (At least I hope they do).
You started this process a long time ago. You know what you want out of this. You want to be the best god damn teacher you can be. And you bloody well will be. You know this. You can be Miss Honey. Just don’t be so scared. Everyone fails. You tell the kids at school that its the trying that matters. Why doesn’t the same apply to you? Cause it absolutely should. Remember that. Try. Try. Try again. You will get there. Stop for a minute. Think back to when 10 years ago. You were good at your job, you liked it, you were going places. But you weren’t where you wanted to be. Now look at yourself now. You’re getting there. It’s always the last few steps that are the hardest.
You’re determined, you’re stubborn and you’re passionate. Never lose those things. Go after whatever it is that you’re scared of at the minute. As I write this there are SO MANY things I am terrified of, that no one knows about. You’ll never not be afraid, but be a bit courageous. I am going to have to be so that you have something to do.
It’s OK to be scared. It’s OK to cry. Please remember that. Just remember to pick yourself back up. Be proud of yourself. Always. And always be the best Steph you can be.